i finally did it again and closed my solitaire online acct but not before loosing more money. i really wanted to play last night and instead closed the acct and read this helpline for gamblers. its a real good site that also has counselors. i read some stories including one about a gambler who committed suicide which reminded me that i have been almost in his shoes. i was reminded of a recent realization of mine concerning selfdestructive behaviors. promiscuity, alcoholism and gambling. this in turn led me to google self destructive behaviors where i was led to one concerning depression. of course being diagnosed manic/depressive i knew i had found another source of wisdom. anyway I DID NOT gamble anymore.

i went ahead and paid walmart 200 leaving a balance of 19.00. i would have paid the entire balance but i had left the statement home and didn't know if they would have that info. i sent the hospital their 200. set aside one hundred for groceries and have three hundred to last me three and a half weeks. i am somewhat ashamed of myself for not giving anything to charity after blowing so much on myself.

i haven't been feeling well all week. either i don't have an appetite or else when i eat i feel nausous. i am adjusting one medicene and just started another so that could be the culprit. anyway, i have lost 13 pounds in less than two weeks and while i am obese, this is too fast of a weight loss to be healthy.

i sure do miss having my dad to talk to. my brother isn't much of a talker or listener and my sisters don't like to be bothered much although the one who used to complain the most has called almost every day since the memorial service. i guess she's worried about me. they will be coming in from the lake about sixty miles away next week for one or two nights.

my car is a 1991 mazda with about 65000 actual miles, one owner my aunt other than myself. i just paid the insurance in march for six months. the only place i go is the grocery store and the cigarette store. our city has a handiride that i qualify for where they will give door to door service for a nominal (i think a quarter) fee for the handicap. my brothers car isn't in good shape and i was thinking about just giving him my car and turning toward the bus for getting around. not only would it save on insurance it would also save on gas and repairs.

the senior citizens group, i am 59 and am considered senior, in our town offers exercise rooms and plate lunches. the exercise is free and the lunch is three dollars/day. i believe i will start going up there once i am feeling better a couple times a week. not only would i get a healthy meal but i should meet some people who are lonely like myself.

my last capital one card is due to be closed out on the 22nd. i cut the cards up, two accts, about a year ago because the only thing i used them for was solitaire. the debit card is my only resouce now for solitaire and as i said i closed the acct. anyway, glad to be done with them.

i am not sure how medicaid works but the insurance i have with medicare signed me up and i am sure i will loose medicaid once i inherit the money from dad. does anyone know about this? when that's gone, my bill for my meds will increase but because most of my Rx's are generic i don't think i will reach the donut hole anytime soon...luckily.

anyway, thanks to so many blogs that have given me inspiration and also the comments each of you have made.

believe it or not, i really am a very good money manager.

since i am on disability i have one day a month when i feel flush and the feeling doesn't last long. i started getting my check via paper about a yr ago because with direct deposit i found i would gamble my money almost all before daybreak.

today, since my credits so bad that i can't have a checking acct., i use walmarts money card. they cash the check for a 6.00 fee and then i can deposit the amt i feel will be needed for bills. usually it is a lot less than the check and i really do not feel comfortable walking around with the big amt of cash but the system over all has helped me.

since dad died, we have incurred the added expense of groceries. my brother and i decided to pool 100.00/mo to start to see where we stand. we did this about the time dad died on the 20th of march. we still have 25.00 in our envelope and that's after taking the family to a cafeteria where the bill came to 70.00. we paid because they are always paying for us.

i won't be able to pay the hospital the entire bill this month as planned. in fact because i didn't know how the money would work last month i only added two hundred to the four i had saved and sent it to them. i did tho, call them and ask if i could give them two hundred a month until its paid off. as you recall my copayment was 1225.00. i still owe 625.00. they said that would be fine.

i gambled this month unfortunately...to the tune of 600.00. i was appalled when i added it up today. that's about half of my government check and could have been applied to the hospital bill. additionally, after asking for a new walmart credit card after cutting up the old one a yr ago, i find my balance at 218. without much effort.

as a safegaurd against gambling so much, i believe i will pay as much as possible to my debtors. i thought i could give walmart 200.00 and i also want to restart my charitable donations esp after reading of the earthquake in indonisia tonight. those poor people. i found a good charity that i trust and they even have called me twice to thank me for donating money without soliciting for more! Before the hospital i was able to give roughly 10 percent of my income but i may start of with five this time until i get more secure with my budget after dad's death.

i will have meds this month, of course, and one annual bill of getting my car inspected. it should pass but theres about a 35 dollar fee. oh, yes, this month i must renew my drivers lisence and that will be 25.00.

we figured the house with taxes since i am disabled will be roughly 400./mo each. that includes utilities and i must say since dad died we have all but stopped using the air and heat so there's so money saved there.

well, that's all for now. i hope you are managing your money better than i.