my father died yesterday. the only thing my dad ever wanted from his money was to be able to leave his kids some. i don't know how much, at this point, we each will inherit but the estate will be equally divided between his four kids. there is the house that my brother and i live in to be decided to keep or sell. my brother who moved back home from the boston area about eight years ago has indicated that perhaps we can stay here in the house together by cutting expenses and being roommates.

my father never wanted to go to the nursing home and he got his wish. his doctor sent him to the hospital last friday and he was alert and oriented at that time and the next day. as it turned out he was in end stage kidney failure and the doctor asked him what kind of care he wanted. dad made his wishes known about home health care and on monday we met with hospice. dad was supposed to come home yesterday but he passed away yesterday morning. it was the most peaceful death i have witnesses with his family around him and good care in the hospital. although suprizing to us all we are grateful he was spared a long bout of agony and pain.

i have, as planned, accumulated 800.00 toward my 1225. hospital copayment but have yet to mail the check because of the hospitalization of dad. one more payment and that will be under my belt.

since my brother has decided to stay, my life has changed. i had counted on being forced to "grow up" and live alone until yesterday. one of my sisters said she wanted to give us the house for caring for dad. the other sister has yet to mention anything but even if she doesn't gift us, i believe we may be able to buy her out.

dad figured the expenses a few years ago and they were about 800.00/month. that would be less than any apt i could rent and this is a pretty good area with a lot of younger people moving in remodeling the older homes. my brother has made many friends in the area.

anyway, i am still plucking away just feel the sting of a big personal loss.

i became disabled in 2003 with bipolar disorder. true to my illness, i accumulated massive amounts of debt from gambling...online internet. i accumulated so much debt in fact that once i was terminated from my job i found my only solution was to file for bankruptcy as i owed something like 30,000.00 and had absolutely nothing in savings. i mananged to come up with enough money to cover the lawyer fee and in fact paid him in advance so i wouldn't gamble the money away and did it. it wasn't pretty but there was no alternative. in actuality, at the time, my creditors were very understanding before filing. i was fortunate i guess.

today, i still owe money but it is all late fees and interest. i owe about 500.00 to paypal credit as i used to buy and sell on ebay but when i sold some jewelry i had insured the package and it was lost and because i didn't get a receipt saying it had been mailed, they deducted the money from a non existant bank acct. i later got the money from the p o however by that time another package that the buyer had never picked up at the po had been returned so there was another debit to my acct. at the same time i was having an episode and just gave up trying to settle the issue.

i owe the late fees on two other credit cards whose balances have more than been paid. you see ever month for years i was sending these ccs 100.00/month and finally i tallied it up and saw the evidence for myself. once i stopped paying there were even more late fees and interest charges. today, i just don't answer the telephone after getting an answering machine.

then there were the payday loans. they ruined my credit at the bank making it where i must used debit cards. ANYWAY.............

i make 1234.00/month. i live and care for my 87 yo father. i pay the cable/internet bill of about 110.00. this gas, cigarettes are my main bills. i manage ok if i don't play solitaire. the urge is strong to play but when i run out of money i am fine.

i was hospitalized in jan for 8 days many of those in ICU. i was billed about 90,000. but with my supplimental medicare insurance my part was 1225.00. i have saved up 400.00 of that and will have another 400.00 next week at which time i will mail a check or rather my father will as my credit is too far gone to get a checking acct. the bill will be paid in april in full and then i will start saving like crazy.

what i would eventually like to do is ladder cds monthly to the point where i would be able to eventually withdraw about 100.00/month to help out once i get on my own.

my car is a 91 mazda with about 65,000 miles on it bought from my aunt and she was the only owner. it is in good shape and i just paid my insurance this month of 315.00. gas runs about 30.00.

since i was hospitalized with respitory problems and have been unable to quit i was advised to cut down one half pack/day. i have done better whereas i used to smoke two packs a day i now smoke one. cigarettes are about 39.00/carton here for my brand.

i occassionally (once a month) go to the grocery store and buy 100.00+- groceries. and about once a month i will order take out for the three of us, dad, my brother and myself.

these are my bills. i am a good saver once i make up my mind to save. i know a little about gold and silver to buy and sell and have been buying a little gold when i could afford it. when i say gold, i mean gold jewelry used on ebay. since i can't have a bank acct i need stuff like that.

i have been reading these blogs for over a year and am jus t now submitting my blog. i hope it will hold me accountable to not gamble and also to save, save, save.=